Wallow

I've been sitting here wallowing somewhat. Wallowing in my desire for a baby, for kids. I knew better than to do this.

But despite good intentions, I find myself following links to how to treat a colicky baby, most important baby gear, benefits of using cloth diapers, sewing patterns for dresses and rompers.....

And then I just sit here and wallow.

I am happy; I am a joyful person who loves her husband and enjoys life. I am thankful for all God has given me.  We have a home, we have jobs, we have our family and friends....

I just dream of the day when I have the weight of my baby in my arms. I look forward to pureeing veggies and lugging around a stroller. I look forward to the challenge of caring for a little human and am preparing myself for all the not-so-nice aspects of mothering: little/no sleep, tantrums, messes, changes to the plan....... I know it's not perfect and definitely not easy or simple to raise kids but that's what I want to grow up to be: a mama.

I wonder how God will bring our children to us? Will they come from a broken, unsafe home? Will they be a gift from a biological mother to me? Will they come from our own bodies? Or maybe is it my path to be a spiritual mother to other loving family's kids? To our friend's and family's children?

I have so many questions.

All I can do right now is pray for a grateful heart free of doubt, bitterness, or envy. Envy is my worst enemy right now and the thing I pray against the most. I want to be sincerely happy for the families around us. And God is doing that in my heart. Most of the time, I can say I really am over joyed for them. It's those times that I'm not that God holds my hand through.

I can take joy in my love for my husband and his love for me. I can see the blessing of my freedom. I can live a full life with what God has blessed me with already. My hope is in the Lord. He knows and CARES about my desires. I have only to trust and rely on Him