That familiar ache

Well it's 1 am on Monday morning and for one reason or another, my mind is racing with baby stuff.
Like, I want one.
I want to be pregnant.

How's that for an emotional whopper?

Yup.

With our schooling coming to an end soon (yay) comes a new season.
And that season is opening up expectations to maybe start on baby stuff.
With those expectations come a roller coaster of emotion.

I used to be scared about trying to get pregnant medically because of all the horrible stories I've heard about how it messes with your emotions, your relationship with your partner, the scarry financial stuff, and the huge possibility of crushing disappointment.
For those reasons, I could only see us adopting.

Which would still be fine.

But within this last year, I just really want to experience pregnancy.
I want to go through that with Adam.

Gosh.

I'm still scared.
I'm scared of everything.
But I have hope that God wants us to do this..... eventually.
And if that's so, He has made a way.
It's already done and in the past for Him.
We just have to trust that there is a next step and that He's going to show it to us.

That's really hard.
And breaks my heart a little.

Another thought that's been rattling around for a bit is that people know we want kids.
Amd they'll say "oh you can just borrow your nieces and nephews" or "you can have ours for a bit."
But that's like telling someone who wants to have their own house "hey, you can visit ours for an afternoon."
It's not the same.
Your children are not my children.
I want my children, whether from our bodies or adopted.
I don't just want to play with them or change diapers.
I want to raise them and teach them.
I want to be a parent, not a baby sitter.

Anywhoo, if you made it this far, thank you.
Please whisper a prayer for us.
That God would show us our steps.
Thank you and bless you.